i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
