I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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