my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize