I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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