I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize