I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
