My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
