i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
