I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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