this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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