The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
