The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
