I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I need a beard to bite.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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