My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
