I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
