i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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