he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Two words: blizzard sex
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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