I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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