i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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