I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
