apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
