Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
