I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
