im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
