I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
