That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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