I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
