So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
