no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
