I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
