maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
