Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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