I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
