i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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