I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
