I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
