I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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