there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If that was your dad, he is hot
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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