I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize