she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
