I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
