I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
