dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
