Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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