I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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