gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize