I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
