If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Someone came in the potted fern
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
