What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
