I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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