Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
