so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
