i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
