She is in my trunk
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
