well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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