Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
