Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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