you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
