I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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