please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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