from now on my penis is your penis
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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