My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
