His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize