Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
