just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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