Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
